What we have done for ourselves

alone dies with us;

what we have done for others and the world

remains and is immortal.

Today is the day they are spreading Papa's ashes. He picked his favorite beach on Vancouver Island where he spent a lot of happy times. I decided not to go, I really thought I would be okay with that, but now the day is here and I wish so much I was there, just for one last good bye. It is like I am grieving all over again this week.

With everything that has gone on with in my family the last few months I realized that Papa was the glue that held this family together, and now that he is gone, we are falling apart.

My mom dragged out the skeleton in our closet and after 25 years has decided this is a good time to deal with it. I do remember sitting at the kitchen table with her over 20 years ago, after she read my journal and learned I was sexually assaulted, by her husbands son. We remember things a little different that day. I recall her asking me not to tell anyone because of papa. She recalls me not wanting her to tell papa because I didn't want to hurt him. Maybe I did? Regardless I was a scared little girl who needed protected and she failed me.

When she brought this skeleton out and we were talking; in the same breath she tells me that I asked her not to tell papa, she says even now she doesn't think her marriage would have survived that. That comment makes me doubt her recollection. So maybe my memory is right. The more I think about it, the more I come to realize papa would have protected me, he would have had something done, not just sweep it under the carpet and never ever talk about it again. I felt so ashamed, dirty and guilty. By her burring this secret made all those feelings I was having so much stronger. Her marriage would have survived the fact that I was sexually molested by his son, but it would have never survived the fact that she hid it and lied.

My mom has not once said she was so sorry or in anyway apologised for her part in the outcome of this. All she has done is justify her actions. She was upset my sister new and was sure to explain to her that she can not be blamed for her actions. When Dawn disagreed, she said "what if she just made it up for attention" First of all if that was the case I would have told someone, my mom learned of this reading my journal 3 or so years later, I had not told a soul. Second if that was the case then why didn't she get me some help. Either way she really should have done something, regardless if I asked her not to at the time.

My mom sent me an email this week, she says to me in the email that she doesn't know how she is going to get through today without wanting to rip his face off. I replied by saying "This day is no different from any other time you have been around him over the last 20 years. You seemed fine with it then, why is this different? I don't get her. I guess now she knows the secret is out so she has pretend to be that protective mother.

So that is my day, week, year, life.... Ugh! I was told this week by a physiologist to have a short memory, when the ball drops in a relationship just pick it up and move on. It was not in reference of this or any of my past, but it seemed to hit home. I have never talked to any professional about this, I really didn't think it has effected my life, it does not define who I am. I don't know why all of a sudden it has been consuming me.

Today Papa's ashes are been scattered and I am going to scatter my thoughts and memories. I am going to forget the past and pick up the relationship ball between my mother and I and just move on.

Trapped!!!!

Trapped in my head,

trying to escape memories of a life I once had.

Fear of confronting my worst pain,

fear of face to face that day I’m sure to go insane.

Hatred built up for so long,

guilty of life lived so wrong.

A day without remembrance will never pass,

a day for death will always last.

Emotion filled with the words I write,

cold chills down my spine with a blurry sight.

Once a young mind twisted with sinful lust,

Now an adult my mind is totally cluttered.

I wish so much I could at very least write down some of the clutter in my mind. It has become impossible to draw the simplest breath. It is way to much for me to handle right now. Everyday is a challenge. I just keep putting the one front in front of the other. Try hard not to gie it too much thought. Why after all these years has this effected me in the way it has, and why can't I just let it go.

Being that I am emotional eater, I am now struggling with that as well. I have been put on a few pounds here and there since Rene passed. UGH!!

Change

I thought I was learning to except and even welcome change. I thought wrong. This summer it feels like my entire life my entire existence has changed. My little innocent girls are not so little or innocent any longer. My baby is no longer a baby. Bri is no longer even a child, she's a grown up with responsibilities, payments work, college and life. Ash is learning so many heart breaking lessons. Boys suck!! Rae is no longer my baby that depends on me night and day, she is off being independent becoming her own person. Here I sit watching while all these changes take place right in front of me and there is nothing I can do about it.

I went back to Savary Island this summer. I haven't been back since 2001. It didn't feel that long ago. Rae was just an upcoming sparkle in my eye. The two other girls were so young and it took nothing to make them happy. Their laughter was as predominate as the air that surrounds us. They rode their bikes up and down the island all day, while we were there. Hardly ever having to move for a person. I went without kids this year. The house is complete and beautiful. The quiet little island that I fell so in love with, well it wasn't so quiet anymore. It was busy, and houses have gone up everywhere. With houses there is people, biking would not be the same. The secret has gotten out and I am not the only one that fell in love with the island.

I have felt grieve and loss, I have felt gain and love this year, some how the grieve and the loss tends to out weigh the love and gain. Last year on my 35th birthday I vowed that the next 35 were going to be so much better, and that now was the time to start living. Then came the loss and the grieve one after another. Then came the reality of the hour glass sand dropping not so slowly now. Things have become heavier, stairs are higher and longer. Walking 10km feels like running 20km. I look in the mirror and I don't recognize this women that stares back at me. She is thinner, but looks tired. Things on her body have fallen south, fine wrinkles have formed where there use to be smooth skin. I am not feeling the wiser so I should not be looking older. Again change happens without our control.

So as yet another birthday approaches faster then the last, I can't help but to reflect. With reflection bring fear of what lies ahead. Last year I was so optimistic, this year not so much.

Today is a New Day.

It's only the beginning now
...a pathway yet unknown
At times the sound of other steps
...sometimes we walk alone

The best beginnings of our lives
May sometimes end in sorrow
But even on our darkest days
The sun will shine tomorrow.

So we must do our very best
Whatever life may bring
And look beyond the winter chill
To smell the breath of spring.

Into each life will always come
A time to start anew
A new beginning for each heart
As fresh as morning dew.

Although the cares of life are great
And hands are bowed so low
The storms of life will leave behind
The wonder of a rainbow.

The years will never take away
Our chance to start anew
It's only the beginning now
So dreams can still come true.

I filed for divorce yesterday. I have been seperated for 4 years now, and honestly I never thought I would be okay with this, but yesterday I was not just okay with it I as actually excited about it. It just feels like I can now start fresh. It is time to let go of the past.

Paul has gone to reunite with a girl this week, and again for the first time I am really okay with it, and excited for him. I want nothing but the best for him, he deserves to be happy.

So today is a new day, spring is just around the corner. Things are starting to bloom and the earth is starting fresh, as am I.

Another Goodbye

I know we are all feeling a little bit sad,
That we've lost our Grandpa, our friend and our dad
Together we have cried an ocean of tears
As we feel so empty and hold many fears

But Grandpa would want us to know he's in a good place
And that he watching us all with a smile on his face
As we have made him so proud, as proud as can be
That he has raised such a beautiful and special family

Thinking back now I really must say
I feel lucky and privileged to have known Grandpa to this day
For in my life, you have played a special part
The memories I will treasure and keep close to your heart

For me I am glad my little baby he got to meet
And for all of us, be grateful, his life is now complete
To each one of us he has loved and cared
And a family, be thankful for the good times we shared

Although he has gone we will always be together
And his spirit will live on each one of us forever
When you look to the sky, look for the brightest star
As that will be Grandpa looking down on us from afar

And now I would like to thank the good Lord above
For blessing us with our Grandpa with his kindness and love
Dear God, if it is not too much fuss
Take extra special care of our Grandpa as he is very dear to us

Grandpa if you are listening say a prayer for us every day
Be sure to protect us and guide us on our way
We know when God called you, you had to go
But we want you to know Grandpa we miss you and love you so.

I keep telling myself this man has had a great and full life, and that he never suffered at all. He was busy and active up until that fateful minute he passed away. He fell asleep in his chair after dinner and never woke up.

The selfish part of me just wishes for one more conversation, one more chance to hear his belly laugh. I just wasn't ready to lose another great person in my life and so soon after the last loss. To add to the grief a week after my grandfather passed away my grandmother's last living sibling did as well, I look up to her and wish I had some of her strength and bravery. She is an amazing women.

It was hard to see the pain in my father's eyes, he not only lost his father but his best friend. My grandmother is alone after 63 years of being on the side of this man, but seems to be doing well considering. I hate that I am getting older, I hate that this has to be a part of me getting older, everyone else does as well.

Moving Forward.

Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck.

If you live through it,

you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left.

The prospect of marriage. Giving up my freedom. My joie de vivre for an institution that fails as often as it succeeds. And why should we get married anyway I mean why would I want to get married again after all I haven't had any luck with this in the past. Besides some bourgeois desire to fulfill and ideal that society embeds in us from an early age to promote a consumer capitalist agenda.


Well six months ago there was no convincing me, but now I want to get married because he is the very person I want to look at when I open my eyes in the morning, and the only one I want to kiss goodnight. Because the first time I saw his hands, I could not imagine not being able to hold them. But mainly when you love someone as much as I love him, getting married is the only thing left to do. So here I sit with the thoughts of going down that road once again, but for the first time ever it feels so right, I know he is my soul mate, the one I am going to grow old with.

It amazes me how over such a short period of time, your whole idea of how life is going to be changes with one look, one kiss, one touch. You pick a path to travel on, you think you are happy with the choice you have made, and you really don't see it any other way, then out of no where the path you were on comes to and end, and you find yourself somewhere you never thought in a million years you would be.

I am now traveling on uncharted ground. It is new and exciting, but at the same time so incredibly scary. My heart is out and exposed. It is a feeling I have not experienced. I have given my heart and soul away, I have trusted it's protection with another person. It is raw and real. It has had it's challenging moments, but it has been worth every growing pain.

So once again in my life I am taking that deep calming breath, placing my one foot infront of the other, and I am moving forward.

Past, Present, and Future.

We live in a world of constant progress and forward motion. Stand still for a second, and you'll be left behind. But as hard as we try to move forward, as tempting as it is to never look back, the past always comes back to bite us in the ass. And as history shows us again and again, those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it.

I stopped looking back, I had forgotten the past. Now I feel that has come back and bit me.

I think it is okay not to forget the past, as long as you can forgive the hurt, don't dwell on it. Continue to move forward. This week, I heard someone say "don't let the past stop your present or future". I am really struggling with my past lately. I struggled as a child, teenager and young adult, but I don't think I ever let it effect my present or future. I thought I forgave everyone that may of hurt me. I thought wrong.

My mom just lost her husband, she is all alone and I know she is depressed, and hurting. I worry about her, and think of her, but it ends there. I haven't been able to call her, or even send a email. She calls here and I can not bring myself to answer the phone. My sister sent me a text last weekend asking me to call her. I just couldn't. I am so incredibly angry.

I know rationally that this is not the time to replay the past. I really don't want to be hurting her anymore then she is already hurting, but I really can't stop these feelings. She got married when I was 9 to an incredible man. They don't get much better then him. She was 34 years old and had 3 young daughters. My oldest sister stayed with my dad when my parents split up, my middle sister stay with my mom and I. We moved to this town I am in now, Rene' worked out of town and shortly after we moved here my mom started a job out of town as well. My mom brought in a nanny for a bit, but my middle sister started behaving like a mischievous teenager. My mom decided she couldn't handle that and sent her to live with my dad, which just left me at home. My mom sent me to live with my new step brother and his family. That didn't work out so she had to come home. It didn't last long before she was off to work again though, Rene' came home to stay with me for a bit. By the time I was 14 they were both away working all of the time, leaving me at home alone. I had no rules, no curfew or chores. If I wanted a clean house, I would clean, if I was hungry I would cook. All my friends had curfews so when they went home so did I.

I started dating a guy that was 5 years older then me, he had his own apartment, he was an adult. I started staying there while my parents were away. It was nice not to feel so alone. I craved that family I never had. A couple months after my 15th birthday I moved in with this man. My mom helped me pack, she bought me things for our new apartment. She told everyone she didn't fight me on it or stop me because she thought I would have went anyway and I would have been angry with her and she wanted me to have a place to come to if things didn't work out. I guess that is some what believable, but a month after I moved out she didn't put our house up for sale and move out of town.

Sure enough 2 months living with this man he started hitting me, and then beating me. I had no where to go and no one to turn to. I was only 15. It just continued from there.

To sum it up, I needed my mom when I was 11 years old and being molested, she failed me.

I needed my mom when I was 12, 13, & 14 to help with the girly things we need our mom for, and and for the non girly things as well, she was no where to be found. It was a good thing I had friends that went through puberty before me, I would have been totally lost.

I needed my mom. when I was so alone I moved in with a man when I was still a child, she encouraged me to go. I needed my mom after I moved in with him and he was abusing me. She was long gone.

I needed my mom when I was 16 and found myself pregnant with this mans baby, she congratulated me and when her husband was calling me everyday to check on me, she put a stop to it.

I needed my mom when I was 16 1/2 and had a new born baby, I asked if I could come home so I could get some finical help from the government, and day care which would have enabled me to go back to to school she told me to I made my bed now lie in it.

I needed my mom when I was 17 and managed to escape that relationship, she allowed me to move home, only because it was my father's idea, and he pused it, but 2 months after I was home, she found me a dump of an apartment that was over price and not safe, and told me I had to go because I might get too comfortable.

I needed my mom when I was 19 and was about to marry a man because I felt I had to. The night before the wedding I told her I didn't want to marry him, I asked for her help. She told me it was too late, I should have thought about that.

After all that I put it behind me, I moved past it all. I thought I totally forgave her and put it in the past.I knew in my heart she did the best she could with what she new. Which was way better then she had. When I was 32 years old, and my husband and I had split up. I had lost the only constant and security I had known and really the only family I had ever had. I was hurting and alone. In spite of everything I called my mom and asked her to come here, I explained to her how badly I needed my mom. She told me she couldn't. She had a quilting retreat to attend, and money was tight. That her and Rene' were planning on going somewhere. She didn't even take the time to have a conversation, her TV show was on. I once again just let it go. Yes it hurt, but I was an adult, I had to learn to get over it on my own, and I did.

BUT now she needs me, and even though all this time I thought I forgave her I am so angry I can't even call her. I don't want to say anything hurtful, it's better not to say anything. I don't know how to get past this.

She called that night to tell me he had passed away, I couldn't get there fast enough. I took the girls out of school, packed everyone up in the winter, and left at 1 in the morning. When I was there with everyone, I felt like I was surrounded by strangers, and I blamed her for that. I couldn't stay with her, I drove 2 hours there and 2 hours back to my dads each day instead. I couldn't do it. I don't know what to do with angry or how to get past it. I feel that when Rene' died I didn't only lose a dad I lost my mom too.

The girls even pointed out the only reason we would go there was to see Papa, and when they came here, my mom was off with her friends doing her thing, and we visited with Papa. It was never about her. I am upset and mad at myself for not being able to get over this. For not being a good daughter and not being there for my mom. I feel like a spoiled brat, but at the same time I am so pissed off at her and have no reason to even call. So now what?

Saying Good Bye is Never easy.

God needed one more to fill the empty space,

he looked around the room and saw your sweet face,
when you stopped breathing,

we knew you were gone,

you went so peacefully,

so we knew you chose the right home,

we knew your skies weren't so blue,

and the roads were getting too tough for you,

but you fought that fight,

and you did the best you could do,

the best part was you didn't die alone,

the day God sent you home.

I guess I never saw this day coming. It was a birthday party being planned. It was a surprise. People were coming from every where to celebrate 75 years of the greatest man on earth. Instead of a celebration of a birthday it turned into a celebration of his life past.

The vision of him laying alone in the morgue when I went to say my final goodbye is etched into my memory. Knowing that it was the last time I will ever lay my eyes on that beautiful face. Knowing I will never here his jolly voice again. I will never hear his french voice call me Robynopy, or kido. My heart is broken. People keep telling me "with time, it heals" I think it is going to be one very long time.

Rene' (aka Papa) Married my mom in March of 1984 I was 9 years old. He was a very big part of my life. I have more childhood memories of him then I do my mom or my dad. He really was an amazing man. Never a negative comment passing his lips. Forever smiling and full of love. I never heard him raise his voice or speak out of anger. Even the day when I flooded the bathroom and ruined a load of my mothers designer clothes by leaving fish hooks in my pockets. He picked me up from a high school dance, I was intoxicated and being suspended from school. He just smiled and said "oh Robynopy" Again never raised his voice or had a negative thing to say, although he had me up at 6am to wash the kitchen floor with a tooth brush, he did it with a big silly smile.

As a pregnant teenager, my mom and Papa had moved out of town, and he called me every single day to check on me, until my mom put a stop to it. As an adult we snuck off to the Casino every time we were together. Once again without my mom's consent.

I am hurting in a way I have never hurt before. I have never lost someone this close to me. I am very worried about my mom, yet I am avoiding calling her or even answering when she calls. Every time I speak with her it just brings back all that pain, I have to face it once again that he is really gone.

Fairytales and Faith

You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, Prince Charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open there eyes and it will come true.

At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different then you dreamed. The castle well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important happy ever after, just that it's happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you, and once in a while people may even take your breath away.

Family??

What were you thinking? At a time I should have looked up to you.
I find myself lost. Praying that these nightmares are not true.

What were you thinking? when you took my innocents.
How could you continue? As I cried out with resistance.

What were you thinking? Did it make you feel like a man.
When you pressed my body down, and you thought I'd never understand.

What were you thinking? When you told me it was our special game.
You told me to be quiet. Did you believe I'd never say a thing?

I'll tell you what I'm thinking. Since you decided to violate me.
My pain is put away now, and anger is all you'll see.

I'll tell you what I'm thinking. As I start to get back on my feet.
You took my childhood. And as an adult, that will not repeat.

I'll tell you what I'm thinking. It's time that I let go.
No longer will you control me. My heart can finally grow.

Hi Leigh,

I hope this finds you well. I have left you several messages to call me and you haven't returned any of my calls. It hurts me that you avoid your family. I have been struggling with the reasons why you would be avoiding me. The first thing that comes to my mind is what you told me that happened to your when 11 yrs old and you asked me not to say anything to anybody about it. Well, I haven't said anything to mom about it. Actually, when I left Prince Rupert I couldn't take any of mom's calls for 2 weeks and I talk to her at least twice a week.

Dad knows about it and has known for years because you sent him a letter about it. Dad said if he had known earlier about it that you would have been with him. It makes me furious that your own mother protected the wrong person.

Leigh, how old were your when you told mom about what happened? I'm asking because when I was on the phone with mom tonight, mom had said that she talked to "him" and told him that her & her husband were coming to our house for Christmas and she started to say that she asked "him" to come to our house well.......I interrupted her and blurted out to her that I don't want him in my house. She asked "why"? I just said because I don't want him in my house. I repeated to her several times that I don't want him in my house.

Leigh what has happened to you is wrong. He should be in jail or should have gone to jail at the time. It makes me sick that a mother would turn a blind eye to this especially if you were only 11 yrs. old when you told her. It shouldn't have mattered what it would have done to her husband. Your children come first. Leigh I'm sorry that you have suffered for so many years with this. If mom brings up "why" he is not welcome in my house again, I will tell her to ask you why and leave it at that.

I do not want him around my daughter. I don't know the details to what happened but how do I know that he has not committed this offence more than once? I wonder if that is why his sister is so screwed up. I'm sorry if this letter has upset you. I love you dearly and your family should have supported you when you needed them and they didn't. If there is anything I can do to make things better please let me know.

Dawn

I received this letter from my oldest sister this week. I am tyring to absorb it and decide if I should respond or just let sleeping dogs lie. My sister can be at times critical and even mean. She was up here visiting a couple years ago and as always was going on saying how I had it so good as a child and how spoiled I was etc.... My sister has no idea and after many years of listening to this I came unglued and told her just how great my life was. Starting with being 10ish years old and being used as a sex toy. To being raised by nannies and whom ever would take me at the time. Then when I was a little older just was left on my own, until I just decided at 15 to move out and in with my much older boyfriend. Anything to try to fill that void and have a little feeling of family.

I just released years of built up thoughts and frustration, leaving my very vocal sister speechless. She spent that evening in tears and very quiet. She expressed how sorry she was. We talked about my childhood and for the first time ever she realized I really didn't have it good. I was alone with no guidance or support. So yes I was never grounded, I never had a curfew or any rules, but I would have welcomed them all for a little parenting.

I have honestly put all of this behind me. I forgive my mother completely. She did the best she could with what she knew. This no longer haunts me. I have let go of this part of the past and have moved forward. I now wish she could do the same. I understand that she doesn't want this man in her home and around her young daughter. I am just not looking forward to this all being brought up after all these years, after I have moved forward and put it behind me. I really don't want it all dug back up again.

As I sit here and ponder I become angry. I don't know who I am more angry with, myself mostly. Once again I wonder if there was anything I could have done to prevent it from happening at the time. Angry at myself for letting it slip to my sister. Now it's just a waiting game, I know this is about to blow up. I can feel it. I guess time will tell.