A wise man speaks I have been investigated a few times now because of my job and the level of security clearance I require. I know that there are members talking to my friends, family, employers and neighbors. I know it is happening and every time I am sick to my stomach wondering what people think and will say about me. So far I have had no problems. I still will never get use to this. It is a very uneasy feeling.
Now I am dating Dallas, he has very close friends who care a lot about him and want to make sure he doesn't get hurt or taken advantage of. I can respect that and understand. So they have done there asking around about me. I knew when that day occurred it wouldn't be all good. I have had not the greatest past. Considering I had an affair, which then included lying and cheating. I have been as honest as I could be with him regarding this and any other negative things about myself.
There was a time in my life where I thrived on gossip. I was like 75% of the rest of this small town and had nothing better to do or talk about. After the hell I went through 3 years ago I try my hardest never to say anything about anyone I wouldn't say to their face. I know that I have slipped up over the years, I am not perfect. I am able to hear myself now and try my best to stop.
One of these friends went to Dallas with the information she had gathered about me, which again I am totally fine about. I was expecting to hear that I was untrustworthy, that I lie and that I am a cheater. I was prepared for that and would completely understand why people would say these things, but instead he was told never tell me anything he wants kept secret. Another words I don't keep anything to myself.
I tried so hard to just let it go. I told myself that at the end of the day I know that I have kept many secrets. I know that my job lets me into a lot of peoples private lives, and at the end of the day I put it away. I can't for the life of me think of the confidence that I have broke. I was up all night last night going over everyone I know trying to place where this would come from. I don't know why it bothers me so much. I could have handled the cheater and the liar, but this I can't let go. I don't believe this to be true. How do you take responsibility and learn for something that you don't honestly believe you did. On the other hand maybe I have wronged someone, and I just don't remember which is an awful feeling as well. One thing I have learned growing up in a small town when you screw up as a young person, it never leaves you. It shadows you forever.
This is one of the reasons I was content to just be single for the rest of my life. Is he worth this?? I believe he is, I am still standing here with my heart on my sleeve. I am afraid he is going to hear things and walk away, then what? Where does that leave me? I need to have a bit of faith and just hold on. Time will tell. Today I have to admit I am a little blue and a lot worried and my heart hurts too.
What is worse, being excused of something that isn't true, or not knowing or remembering if you have hurt someone with these words. I am a loss today. Days like this I want to find a rock to hide under, or better yet move and start over. I just want to be granted that fresh start. I am tired of this black cloud of a past following me everywhere. Maybe this is my punishment for the wrong I have done in my life.
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