Family??

What were you thinking? At a time I should have looked up to you.
I find myself lost. Praying that these nightmares are not true.

What were you thinking? when you took my innocents.
How could you continue? As I cried out with resistance.

What were you thinking? Did it make you feel like a man.
When you pressed my body down, and you thought I'd never understand.

What were you thinking? When you told me it was our special game.
You told me to be quiet. Did you believe I'd never say a thing?

I'll tell you what I'm thinking. Since you decided to violate me.
My pain is put away now, and anger is all you'll see.

I'll tell you what I'm thinking. As I start to get back on my feet.
You took my childhood. And as an adult, that will not repeat.

I'll tell you what I'm thinking. It's time that I let go.
No longer will you control me. My heart can finally grow.

Hi Leigh,

I hope this finds you well. I have left you several messages to call me and you haven't returned any of my calls. It hurts me that you avoid your family. I have been struggling with the reasons why you would be avoiding me. The first thing that comes to my mind is what you told me that happened to your when 11 yrs old and you asked me not to say anything to anybody about it. Well, I haven't said anything to mom about it. Actually, when I left Prince Rupert I couldn't take any of mom's calls for 2 weeks and I talk to her at least twice a week.

Dad knows about it and has known for years because you sent him a letter about it. Dad said if he had known earlier about it that you would have been with him. It makes me furious that your own mother protected the wrong person.

Leigh, how old were your when you told mom about what happened? I'm asking because when I was on the phone with mom tonight, mom had said that she talked to "him" and told him that her & her husband were coming to our house for Christmas and she started to say that she asked "him" to come to our house well.......I interrupted her and blurted out to her that I don't want him in my house. She asked "why"? I just said because I don't want him in my house. I repeated to her several times that I don't want him in my house.

Leigh what has happened to you is wrong. He should be in jail or should have gone to jail at the time. It makes me sick that a mother would turn a blind eye to this especially if you were only 11 yrs. old when you told her. It shouldn't have mattered what it would have done to her husband. Your children come first. Leigh I'm sorry that you have suffered for so many years with this. If mom brings up "why" he is not welcome in my house again, I will tell her to ask you why and leave it at that.

I do not want him around my daughter. I don't know the details to what happened but how do I know that he has not committed this offence more than once? I wonder if that is why his sister is so screwed up. I'm sorry if this letter has upset you. I love you dearly and your family should have supported you when you needed them and they didn't. If there is anything I can do to make things better please let me know.

Dawn

I received this letter from my oldest sister this week. I am tyring to absorb it and decide if I should respond or just let sleeping dogs lie. My sister can be at times critical and even mean. She was up here visiting a couple years ago and as always was going on saying how I had it so good as a child and how spoiled I was etc.... My sister has no idea and after many years of listening to this I came unglued and told her just how great my life was. Starting with being 10ish years old and being used as a sex toy. To being raised by nannies and whom ever would take me at the time. Then when I was a little older just was left on my own, until I just decided at 15 to move out and in with my much older boyfriend. Anything to try to fill that void and have a little feeling of family.

I just released years of built up thoughts and frustration, leaving my very vocal sister speechless. She spent that evening in tears and very quiet. She expressed how sorry she was. We talked about my childhood and for the first time ever she realized I really didn't have it good. I was alone with no guidance or support. So yes I was never grounded, I never had a curfew or any rules, but I would have welcomed them all for a little parenting.

I have honestly put all of this behind me. I forgive my mother completely. She did the best she could with what she knew. This no longer haunts me. I have let go of this part of the past and have moved forward. I now wish she could do the same. I understand that she doesn't want this man in her home and around her young daughter. I am just not looking forward to this all being brought up after all these years, after I have moved forward and put it behind me. I really don't want it all dug back up again.

As I sit here and ponder I become angry. I don't know who I am more angry with, myself mostly. Once again I wonder if there was anything I could have done to prevent it from happening at the time. Angry at myself for letting it slip to my sister. Now it's just a waiting game, I know this is about to blow up. I can feel it. I guess time will tell.