Past, Present, and Future.

We live in a world of constant progress and forward motion. Stand still for a second, and you'll be left behind. But as hard as we try to move forward, as tempting as it is to never look back, the past always comes back to bite us in the ass. And as history shows us again and again, those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it.

I stopped looking back, I had forgotten the past. Now I feel that has come back and bit me.

I think it is okay not to forget the past, as long as you can forgive the hurt, don't dwell on it. Continue to move forward. This week, I heard someone say "don't let the past stop your present or future". I am really struggling with my past lately. I struggled as a child, teenager and young adult, but I don't think I ever let it effect my present or future. I thought I forgave everyone that may of hurt me. I thought wrong.

My mom just lost her husband, she is all alone and I know she is depressed, and hurting. I worry about her, and think of her, but it ends there. I haven't been able to call her, or even send a email. She calls here and I can not bring myself to answer the phone. My sister sent me a text last weekend asking me to call her. I just couldn't. I am so incredibly angry.

I know rationally that this is not the time to replay the past. I really don't want to be hurting her anymore then she is already hurting, but I really can't stop these feelings. She got married when I was 9 to an incredible man. They don't get much better then him. She was 34 years old and had 3 young daughters. My oldest sister stayed with my dad when my parents split up, my middle sister stay with my mom and I. We moved to this town I am in now, Rene' worked out of town and shortly after we moved here my mom started a job out of town as well. My mom brought in a nanny for a bit, but my middle sister started behaving like a mischievous teenager. My mom decided she couldn't handle that and sent her to live with my dad, which just left me at home. My mom sent me to live with my new step brother and his family. That didn't work out so she had to come home. It didn't last long before she was off to work again though, Rene' came home to stay with me for a bit. By the time I was 14 they were both away working all of the time, leaving me at home alone. I had no rules, no curfew or chores. If I wanted a clean house, I would clean, if I was hungry I would cook. All my friends had curfews so when they went home so did I.

I started dating a guy that was 5 years older then me, he had his own apartment, he was an adult. I started staying there while my parents were away. It was nice not to feel so alone. I craved that family I never had. A couple months after my 15th birthday I moved in with this man. My mom helped me pack, she bought me things for our new apartment. She told everyone she didn't fight me on it or stop me because she thought I would have went anyway and I would have been angry with her and she wanted me to have a place to come to if things didn't work out. I guess that is some what believable, but a month after I moved out she didn't put our house up for sale and move out of town.

Sure enough 2 months living with this man he started hitting me, and then beating me. I had no where to go and no one to turn to. I was only 15. It just continued from there.

To sum it up, I needed my mom when I was 11 years old and being molested, she failed me.

I needed my mom when I was 12, 13, & 14 to help with the girly things we need our mom for, and and for the non girly things as well, she was no where to be found. It was a good thing I had friends that went through puberty before me, I would have been totally lost.

I needed my mom. when I was so alone I moved in with a man when I was still a child, she encouraged me to go. I needed my mom after I moved in with him and he was abusing me. She was long gone.

I needed my mom when I was 16 and found myself pregnant with this mans baby, she congratulated me and when her husband was calling me everyday to check on me, she put a stop to it.

I needed my mom when I was 16 1/2 and had a new born baby, I asked if I could come home so I could get some finical help from the government, and day care which would have enabled me to go back to to school she told me to I made my bed now lie in it.

I needed my mom when I was 17 and managed to escape that relationship, she allowed me to move home, only because it was my father's idea, and he pused it, but 2 months after I was home, she found me a dump of an apartment that was over price and not safe, and told me I had to go because I might get too comfortable.

I needed my mom when I was 19 and was about to marry a man because I felt I had to. The night before the wedding I told her I didn't want to marry him, I asked for her help. She told me it was too late, I should have thought about that.

After all that I put it behind me, I moved past it all. I thought I totally forgave her and put it in the past.I knew in my heart she did the best she could with what she new. Which was way better then she had. When I was 32 years old, and my husband and I had split up. I had lost the only constant and security I had known and really the only family I had ever had. I was hurting and alone. In spite of everything I called my mom and asked her to come here, I explained to her how badly I needed my mom. She told me she couldn't. She had a quilting retreat to attend, and money was tight. That her and Rene' were planning on going somewhere. She didn't even take the time to have a conversation, her TV show was on. I once again just let it go. Yes it hurt, but I was an adult, I had to learn to get over it on my own, and I did.

BUT now she needs me, and even though all this time I thought I forgave her I am so angry I can't even call her. I don't want to say anything hurtful, it's better not to say anything. I don't know how to get past this.

She called that night to tell me he had passed away, I couldn't get there fast enough. I took the girls out of school, packed everyone up in the winter, and left at 1 in the morning. When I was there with everyone, I felt like I was surrounded by strangers, and I blamed her for that. I couldn't stay with her, I drove 2 hours there and 2 hours back to my dads each day instead. I couldn't do it. I don't know what to do with angry or how to get past it. I feel that when Rene' died I didn't only lose a dad I lost my mom too.

The girls even pointed out the only reason we would go there was to see Papa, and when they came here, my mom was off with her friends doing her thing, and we visited with Papa. It was never about her. I am upset and mad at myself for not being able to get over this. For not being a good daughter and not being there for my mom. I feel like a spoiled brat, but at the same time I am so pissed off at her and have no reason to even call. So now what?