Change

I thought I was learning to except and even welcome change. I thought wrong. This summer it feels like my entire life my entire existence has changed. My little innocent girls are not so little or innocent any longer. My baby is no longer a baby. Bri is no longer even a child, she's a grown up with responsibilities, payments work, college and life. Ash is learning so many heart breaking lessons. Boys suck!! Rae is no longer my baby that depends on me night and day, she is off being independent becoming her own person. Here I sit watching while all these changes take place right in front of me and there is nothing I can do about it.

I went back to Savary Island this summer. I haven't been back since 2001. It didn't feel that long ago. Rae was just an upcoming sparkle in my eye. The two other girls were so young and it took nothing to make them happy. Their laughter was as predominate as the air that surrounds us. They rode their bikes up and down the island all day, while we were there. Hardly ever having to move for a person. I went without kids this year. The house is complete and beautiful. The quiet little island that I fell so in love with, well it wasn't so quiet anymore. It was busy, and houses have gone up everywhere. With houses there is people, biking would not be the same. The secret has gotten out and I am not the only one that fell in love with the island.

I have felt grieve and loss, I have felt gain and love this year, some how the grieve and the loss tends to out weigh the love and gain. Last year on my 35th birthday I vowed that the next 35 were going to be so much better, and that now was the time to start living. Then came the loss and the grieve one after another. Then came the reality of the hour glass sand dropping not so slowly now. Things have become heavier, stairs are higher and longer. Walking 10km feels like running 20km. I look in the mirror and I don't recognize this women that stares back at me. She is thinner, but looks tired. Things on her body have fallen south, fine wrinkles have formed where there use to be smooth skin. I am not feeling the wiser so I should not be looking older. Again change happens without our control.

So as yet another birthday approaches faster then the last, I can't help but to reflect. With reflection bring fear of what lies ahead. Last year I was so optimistic, this year not so much.